


Goodbye

by haikyuutsukkitrash



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Depression, Implied Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Sad Ending, Suicide, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-28 17:26:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10835919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haikyuutsukkitrash/pseuds/haikyuutsukkitrash
Summary: Tsukishima Kei doesn't want to live anymore





	Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!  
> GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF SUICIDE AND SELF-HARM
> 
> I was in a very angsty mood when I wrote this  
> I've never written anything like this before  
> I hope you guys like it

“Goodbye, Yamaguchi. You really are my best friend. Remember that.” I say, as Yamaguchi and I part ways, like we do every day after practise. I can feel his confused eyes on my back as I walk away.

_I really should have treated him better. He truly was a great friend._

_But it’s been enough._

Not long after I say my last goodbye I arrive at home. The house quiet, and dark. My parents are working late again, I can’t even remember the last time they kissed me goodnight.

And Akiteru? Who knows where he is these days. I forgave him, I really did. But he couldn’t forgive himself. He still avoids me every day.

_But I really needed my big brother…_

_I miss him._

I walk into my bedroom and sit at my desk that’s covered in dinosaur figurines. Childish? Maybe. But I don’t care. I like them, and Yamaguchi gave them to me.

_Yamaguchi._

I fold up the note I wrote and grab my most special figurine, taking it into the bathroom with me where I carefully sit them on the edge of the vanity.

I open up the bottom drawer and grab a small tin that nobody even knows exists. Lifting up the lid I retrieve the two blades inside, dried blood still on them from last time, before putting the tin back in its place. This shouldn’t feel like a routine to me, but it does.

_Except this time will be different._

_This time_

_it will be permanent._

I take off my clothes as I wait for the tub to be filled with hot water. Slowly I get in, flinching at the high temperature, but laughing to myself, as this pain isn’t nearly as bad as what I feel emotionally.

_Every. Single. Day._

_So much pain._

I stare at my wrists and my arms and my thighs and my hips. There are lines, many lines.

_Way too many lines._

Some are faded, from months, and even years ago. Others are brand new, at risk of tearing open at the slightest pull on my skin. I submerge my arms underwater, hissing at the stinging feeling on the fresh wounds, before the pain calms me down completely, and makes me feel in control.

As I sit there, completely naked and vulnerable, with silent tears streaming down my face, I apologise.

I apologise to the team, for being so weak and disappointing, and never giving it my all.

I apologise to my brother, for not trying harder to reconnect, and never reaching out to him.

I apologise to my parents, for leaving them, and never being able to make them proud.

And I apologise to Yamaguchi, for treating him the way I did, for not showing him more warmth, and for not being a good friend, even though I loved him more than I should.

_I’m sorry_.

It was too much. I couldn’t express my emotions, and this is how it will end. This is how it should end. Me, alone, just like it’s always been.

I pick up my favourite blade out of the two and hold it against my skin. The contrast of the cold metal compared to the hot water making me feel sane.

And then I dig it in. Deep. I can already see the blood as I drag the blade from the inside of my wrist to halfway up my arm, creating a bright red, vertical line across the thousands of horizontal smaller ones.

_This is it._

_There’s no going back._

I try to even out my breathing, the pain being more present than ever before. I cry to myself as I watch the blood flow from my arm, staining the water red.

_What a beautiful colour._

And I don’t stop crying as I slice open the other arm too. I won’t ever stop crying again.

But then I smile, as I can feel the pain leaving my body with every drop of blood that enters the warm water. All the darkness, all the loneliness, and all the anxiety disappears, and I have never felt more at peace.

The water is now completely red, and I can feel my body become heavier and heavier, finding it hard to keep my eyes open.

_Goodbye._

I whisper, as close my eyes for one last time.

_Goodbye._

I whisper, as I take my very last breath.

_And I’m sorry._


End file.
